EmBlog

Welcome

  • thx 4 the memories

    Hey there,

    I’ve been carrying something with me for a long time — not a person, not a regret — but a version of myself. A quiet, shy, uncertain girl.

    Little E.

    She’s the one who used to sit in classrooms afraid to raise her hand.

    The one who looked around at her peers and never quite felt like she belonged.

    The one who desperately wanted to be chosen, even if it meant shrinking herself to be more palatable.

    I’ve spent years trying to outgrow her.

    Trying to become louder, cooler, prettier, more confident — whatever I thought would make me “belong.”

    But the truth is: I am still her.

    And today, I’m no longer ashamed of that.

    🕯️ Holding Space for Little Me

    Little E wasn’t wrong. She was doing the best she could with what she had.

    She didn’t feel like she belonged because she was different — and no one ever told her that different is a gift.

    Today, I look at her with softness.

    I hold out my hand and show her that she doesn’t have to chase belonging — she already is someone worth knowing.

    Her traits? Rare.

    Her features? Beautiful.

    Her mind? Complex and layered.

    She is not too much. She is not hard to love. She is not behind.

    She’s a masterpiece in progress.

    💌 And To Be Honest…

    I’ve done things I’m not proud of.

    I’ve used people to fill spaces I didn’t know how to fill on my own.

    I just wanted to experience love.

    I wanted a first kiss.

    I wanted to be held.

    I wanted to feel like I was somebody’s someone.

    I told myself I was in love, but sometimes, I was just desperate to feel something.

    That doesn’t make me awful. It makes me aware now.

    And in that awareness, I find grace.

    🌿 A Soft Goodbye

    To the people I hurt while trying to heal — I’m sorry.

    To the version of me who thought love was about being needed — I forgive you.

    To the memories I’ve held onto like armor — thank you, but I’m done carrying you.

    I wish you well.

    Truly.

    But I’m not coming back.

    Because it’s not about “him” anymore. It’s not about being seen, kissed, chosen, held.

    It’s about me.

    It’s about Little E.

    It’s about becoming the woman she needed to see.

    And I’m finally ready to become her.

    🩶 Final Note

    If you’re reading this and you’ve been carrying guilt or shame about the way you’ve loved, the choices you’ve made, or the people you’ve tried to become —

    you’re not alone.

    We’re not meant to get everything right.

    We’re meant to feel, to learn, and to try again with more truth.

    So here’s to self-forgiveness.

    Here’s to letting go.

    Here’s to walking forward — hand in hand with the girl we used to be.

    xo, Emblog.

  • The Stillness Between Now and Next

    Hey There,

    I told you all I’d blog again once I heard back from the school… and here I am. Sadly, I’m not here to boast about sonography because I didn’t make it into the program. Unfortunately, I was denied entry due to capacity. Heartbroken really doesn’t even describe how I feel right now. I really just feel like a failure. I know that being denied due to capacity is the best reason to be denied, but I still can’t help but feel like I should’ve done more. I don’t think I told you all this, but, I petitioned into the sonography program the day I passed my TEAS exam. That was back in January of this year and somehow I didn’t realize that the petition window didn’t even open until February. Silly me. Luckily, I caught this mistake, but it was already the end of February by the time I figured it out. I resubmitted my petition within days of the window closing, and now I’m starting to feel like that is where I messed up. I was so eager to petition that once again, I messed up my chances. I should’ve just waited until February to submit everything. What if the reason why I was denied was because I petitioned so late? I honestly feel like an idiot. Now I have to wait another year to petition again. Is that even something I can do? How can I live with this feeling of stillness? Knowing that I’m qualified and ready to focus on this path that I’ve wanted for so long and not being able to do anything is really eating me up. I’ve worked so hard to make it to this point and now I’m questioning if this is even the life I’m meant to be living. Sorry to bring religious beliefs into this, but is God trying to tell me something? Is there something else out there for me? I truly don’t know what else to do…

    What am I going to do in the meantime?

    Now that I’m back at square one, I really have to lock in. I’ve been craving a new start for a while now, especially after the absolute depression I experienced in 2024. I vowed to transform in 2025. I’ve really started focusing on my health and wellness journey this year and I’m going to try to distract myself with it. I just want to immerse myself in bettering myself. I’ve been going to the gym a lot more often, eating better, going outside more (even if I’m just chillin’ at the park), going to cafes on my off days, hanging out with friends and family, and really trying to find myself again. I’ve tapped into shadow work again and journaling about my feelings, trying not to get lost in them again. Another thing I’ve challenged myself with this year is loving others in ways that I’ve previously found difficult. I want to step into the soft version of myself and love, no matter what. There is a part of me who feels scared to showcase my love because I’m afraid of the possible rejection or hurt that I could receive in turn. I just can’t let those fears hold me back anymore. This year, I’m allowing myself to let go and release all the shame I’ve felt for all these years so my heart can finally feel whole.

    How will I get to where I want to be?

    I’m not going to lie, I’m holding a lot of faith in the coming summer months. Summer is the most healing time of the year for me and I truly feel like the air stitches up my wounds. This summer, I want to spend as much time outdoors as possible so I can soak up all the ideas that flow from the happiness I feel when I’m outside. I want to find new hobbies that I enjoy, meet new friends, and soak up all the positive vibes. I think the beach is going to see me a lot this summer. I’d better get to finding some cute outfits to match my cute vibes. I also think it’s time for me to find a new job. My current job has hours that I think I’m ready to leave behind. I want to work earlier so I can get off earlier and experience the sun more. I really just want to live more. I feel like my on/off switch has been set to off for far too long now. I need to thrive again! My goal is to figure out how to manage being an adult and handle my adult emotions by the end of the summer. I know this doesn’t really sound like a realistic goal, but I have to start somewhere. I can’t just let my life slip away. I just celebrated my 23rd birthday about a week ago and I feel like I had a moment. I realized who my people are and how precious they are to me. It made me want to realize what life is all about. I truly feel like life is all about building relationships and camaraderie in those around you. This year, I’m focusing on that. Thankfully, I have an amazing support system that I haven’t fully used recently. A friend of mine that I met at my first job and have kept with me all these years recently shared such real, raw emotions with me that made me see the depth of life and human interactions. She made me see that we can grow old together and look back at all these years that we felt pain in and laugh it off later. All these experiences we’re having are happening to shape us into who we’re meant to be later on, and she really made me see the beauty in it all. Shout out to you, my dear friend, I know you’ll see this soon ❤

    So, where does that leave me?

    Well, I don’t really know how the future will turn out. I’m not even sure I want to know. I’m the type of person who hyper fixates on the what ifs and how the past me affects the future me. I have the worst anxiety that stops me from living in the present, and I just made this discovery last night. I knew I was an anxious person, but I never realized how bad of an effect it had on me. I feel like I’m never just existing in the now. My mind is constantly jumping all around the place. It’s my goal to stop myself more often and recognize what I’m doing. I have to break this mindset because it honestly holds me back. One thing I do know is that I finally received a referral to a behavioral health specialist, and I can’t wait to start working on my conscience. So for now, I leave you with this… Mark my words: I am transformed.

    XO, Emblog.

  • ~New Beginnings~

    03/16/2025

    Hey There!

    Recently I’ve had the odd urge to write. Not to say that writing is odd, but as a 22-year-old, burnt-out Midwestern girlie, writing was not on my agenda. I’ve come to remember a time in 10th grade, where as a school project in honors English, I had to blog about a book I read. Surprisingly to me, I thoroughly enjoyed setting up and maintaining said blog. Here I am to express myself in a way that I haven’t in years. My hope of sharing my stories is to reach someone like me. I hope that my stories will find you and bring you peace or maybe even inspire you. Thus, I want to tell you about how 2024 changed me. After earning my first associate’s degree, I was still working as a bank teller, a completely different career path from what I was studying in school, Healthcare. I found myself feeling lost and confused for a while. I didn’t know if I wanted to go back for my bachelor’s degree or if I should find a program that fit my needs instead. Yet, somehow, I got a full-time job as a healthcare assistant and lost myself even more. This is where I’m at now. Somethings got to give. This year I will not allow myself to get stuck in a pattern that doesn’t align with my hopes and dreams. I’m officially LOCKED IN.

    Well… what are my hopes and dreams?

    I’ve been set on becoming a sonographer, aka an ultrasound tech for about 3 years now. When I first started looking into this career, I realized that there were not many programs in my area. The only one I saw at the time had very high standards, as they should, and required a lot of experiences that I didn’t have under my belt at the time. I slowly began to think I wasn’t cut out for it. Luckily for me, after I finished my associate degree program at my local community college, I realized that the same school I was already attending rolled out a sonography program! It was the big break I’ve been looking for! I knew then and there that I was going to give my all to get into this program.

    Trials and tribulations… or flat-out failures.

    The sonography program at my community college is not just cut and dry. You have to petition to get in. This means it’s a competition and there are steps you must take before even being considered. One of these steps was READING OVER the petition requirements and comprehending it, right? Well, I guess I had a hard time with that one. The most important step, I’m assuming, is taking the placement test. For this program, the test is called the TEAS exam. It’s basically like the ACT but its science portion is heavily focused on human anatomy. I didn’t realize when I petitioned for the first time back in 2024 that said exam had to be taken PRIOR to petitioning. I had just started working my new HCA job and felt overwhelmed with training and getting to know so many new people that the process of petitioning wasn’t my top priority. That being said, I received an email letting me know that I was not accepted into the sonography program but I was admitted into the healthcare pathway! One foot in the door, one foot out. Not being able to start the program meant I had to wait a whole year to petition again. I was disappointed in myself for not simply understanding the requirements and I took too long to meet with an advisor to ask questions. 2024 became the worst year of my life. I felt like I had nothing going for myself and I let it show in how I operated day to day. I became lazy outside of work and I just wasted away, playing video games all day.

    How did I overcome it?

    Thankfully, at the end of 2024, I realized what I was doing. I found the shadow work journal on TikTok and became inspired (sidenote, I TOTALLY recommend this journal to anyone looking to work on themselves because it makes you see yourself from a different perspective). I started to understand myself a bit more and I grasped onto my goals. I’ve always known that I was meant for a bigger purpose and I just needed that push to set myself into gear. After doing some soul-searching I decided to prep myself for the upcoming petition window. The TEAS is separated into 4 sections: English and Language Usage, Reading, Math, and Science. I’ve always been confident in my reading and English skills so I held off on these topics until the end. I know that I was never the best at math so I decided to touch up on those skills first. Funny enough, I have a 10-year-old cousin who is currently working on 5th-grade math. Who would’ve thought that helping a 5th grader with their math homework would help a college student understand basic math skills? It took me right back to when I learned basic equations and I was able to apply those skills in my TEAS practice questions. One category down, 3 more to go. It was time to focus up on the other tough portion, science. Don’t get me confused, I have an associate of science degree, but that doesn’t mean I remember every little thing I learned back in high school biology, chemistry, and human anatomy classes. I researched TEAS science topics and took EXTENSIVE notes on each one. HUGE shoutout to Nurse Cheung on YouTube, she really helped me understand what I needed to focus on. After I felt more secure in my science knowledge, I worked on reading and English briefly. I studied for hours and hours every day for a good month and a half to prepare for test day.

    The Big Day

    Finally, the day I’ve been dreading (only for the anxiety) was upon myself. January 14th, 2025, was test day. I left work early to get to the school and this was my first time navigating my school since I was taking all my previous classes online. I immediately got lost on campus as there were so many buildings and the directions were so unclear online. I began to panic and I even cried a bit as I frantically speed-walked through the floors looking for help. Finally, I made it to the right place in the nick of time and got set up for the exam. I flew through the reading portion, and then through the math portion. Then I was faced with my biggest competition, the science portion. It had the most questions of the entire exam and to say that I was intimidated is an understatement. Honestly, I was a bit disheartened when I realized that there were quite a few questions that I didn’t study on the exam. Luckily for me, I took a medical terminology course back in high school that I really enjoyed so I was able to comprehend most of the terms on the test from my memories in the class. Mrs. DP, if you’re seeing this, I LOOOOVE you! I finished the science portion with only 5 minutes left. It was time to complete the final portion, English. Maybe I’m not the grammar queen that I claimed to be, ’cause I definitely struggled with a couple of questions here, but nonetheless, I got through it! For my program you have to get a 70% on the exam to be accepted… I PASSED! The smile would not leave my face for a good 5 minutes. I was so proud of myself after all the time and effort I put into this exam. This was the start of 2025 that I needed. As soon as I left the classroom I sent in my petition.

    Where am I now?

    Now it’s March and this is the month that I find out if I made it into the program. The school says to wait until the very end of the month to receive the email. I can’t say I’m patiently waiting because honestly, I’m more anxious than ever. This is my dream. I’ve worked so hard to get to this point and I don’t want to give up now. I’ve been diversifying my resume to learn all different types of skill sets and I truly believe that all the experiences I have now are satisfactory for placement in the sonography program. There’s no way that I’m not qualified. I’m keeping my head high and sending positivity into the atmosphere because this is what I want out of life. I will be accepted and I will start classes this summer. I’ll check back in when I hear from the school. Thanks for reading. ❤

    XO, Emblog.